How about a knuckle sandwich?

Ready for two kids stories? Ignore me if you've heard them.

The kids got to watch a movie the other day. Aubrey says in her most sincere, altruistic voice, "Nathan, you can pick out the movie." I congratulate her on her willingness to put others first and selflessness. Nathan graciously accepts the offer. He walks downstairs. He innocently looks up and says, "I'd like to watch Tarzan." Aubrey responds by SCREAMING "I HATE TARZAN!!!!!" and smacking Nathan as hard as she can. I had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard from the absurdity of it all. She spent the next ten minutes in time out, shrieking until she was out of breath. Then she came up and watched Tarzan with nary a complaint. Today she told me, "If Dane wants to watch Tarzan that would be fine with me."

Later that same day Greg was bathing the kids. He stepped into the other room to get their pajamas and Nathan began to yell, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" Greg and I both fly in there and he is crying deep, shuddering sobs. "Aubrey won't play 'Keep hitting yourself' with me!" Translation: Nathan was using Aubrey's own hand to whack her repeatedly in the face and then told on her when she said she would NOT play that game anymore. Obviously.

I'm so glad I never hit my sisters and only treated them with loving kindness and gentle respect. KayLynn, Lianna, and Hannah, you're welcome.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Ahh, what would you like to hear about today?

What about how last night when I went to bed after Greg I thought, wow, it is cold in our house. Then, after being up with every child because they were frozen solid in their summer jammies and I have put on a sweatshirt in bed and I finally realize that Greg is soundly sleeping in only skivvies and a sheet and our window is wide open and I wake him up and say, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE AIR IN HERE?!?!" to which he mutters that he set the air conditioning to 62 degrees and it's not his fault that he always feels like he's going to burst into flames.

Or, how about after Greg wakes up and realizes how blasted cold this house is he just turns on the heat even though it's supposed to be almost 100 degrees today and after he leaves I am running around with the kids wondering why I'm so blasted hot and grouchy only to find that the house is now 82 degrees. Our energy bill this month is yours for the taking.

What about after a perfectly lovely morning spent playing at the mall with the kids, looking at puppy mill puppies at the pet store, and putting all my pennies down the twirly thing I decide to finish it off by going out to lunch. By myself. With all of them. At nap time. There were peaceful moments where we shared tender conversation over our rice and beans but what really stands out in my mind is Dane collapsing hysterically after an unauthorized spoonful of hot salsa, the ensuing after math of flagging down a waitress for water now, please, for the love, water NOW, and the residual shaking sobs as he pointed to the salsa and renewed his tears remembering the pain and me thinking that my deodorant was working hard to keep up with the anxious sweating lunch was provoking.

OR, how I will be able to continue to convince my husband that spending hours on blogging is now called a business venture rather than one huge time suck.

Obviously

Nathan is three. He does it well. Here is a common, logical exchange that happened between us this morning.

"MOOOMMMYYY!!!!" (Unprovoked crying.) "Bu didle wab mu fy!!!!"

"What?"

Sobbing. "You didn't watch me fly!"

"I didn't know you wanted me to watch you fly. Go ahead, show me." (When your child spends hours of everyday as Spiderman, one gets used to watching him show off his flying skills.)

"NONONONONONONONO!!!!! Don't talk!!!!! Just watch me fly!!!!"

"Fine, okay."

"Don't talk!"

Silence.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! WWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"NATHAN! What do you want?!? You said you didn't want me to talk so I'm not talking. Just show me how you fly!"

"STOP TALKING!"

"Nathan Paul. That. Is. Enough. You may not speak to me that way. I will stand here for five more seconds. If you do not stop throwing a fit and show me how you fly I am walking away."

Gulping sobs. "Oh tay. Just don't say anything."

He is now standing on the couch. He jumps. "To infinity, and beyond!" Beaming. "Mommy, how was that?"

"Nathan, that was very good, thank you."

"Remember, don't talk."