An interpreter is needed on aisle five

Do you speak snivle, snivve, wail, snort? If so, you're hired.

Aubrey has started a most maddening night time habit. (Note to new parents. There are many ways older children can continue to torture you in the middle of the night even after infancy. Sorry to blow the surprise.)

It begins when she wakes up crying. Greg or I go in, full of parental compassion. Are you sick? Did you have a bad dream? Are you hurt? Do you need to pee? She responds by making unitelligible gasping and choking sounds. Compassion continues. Honey, what is wrong? Do you need a snuggle? More wailing, gasping, punctuated by snorting efforts to breathe through a heavily plugged nose. She resists hugs and makes no sound that resembles anything in the English language. Snort, wail, gasp, cry, moan, eh eh eh eh eh, waaaaaaahhhhhhh. It's enough to make a saint swear.

This tends to go on until we have to take her out of the room because she's causing such a ruckus, or Greg or I lose our temper. Seriously. I hate it that we lose our cool but this little scene goes on forEVER with her providing no information, no calming down, and resisting all efforts of consolation. It is MADDENING I TELL YOU!

I used to think she wasn't awake but I've ditched that idea. She will occasionally once she has calmed down say something about what we said at the beginning of the ordeal. She remembers these episodes in the morning although can never provide any information about why she was hysterical. "I don't know mommy. Can I have more Cheerios?"

This just happened, thus spawning this blog post. I managed to get her to say, between the most finger nails on a blackboard nasal snorts you have ever heard, that she might be hot, no wait, cold, and that she was trying to get out of the way. Right. When I tried to clarify if she was hot or cold while I put her back to bed she would only grunt in response and then re-freaked out because I didn't properly smooth her quilt and her blue blankie was put on her fuzzy side down instead of silky. My parting words were, after praying that God would grant us both PEACE, "Aubrey, mommy has to leave now because she's going insane."

Serenity now!