Too little to be big

"The only thing that will make me feel better is if you stay and watch me."

This is what Aubrey told me, sitting on my lap, between ragged tears, about going to Vacation Bible School (VBS) tomorrow. Get it? She doesn't want to go.

VBS is being held at the church where she'll be going to preschool in a few weeks. It's five days, three hours each day. Her VBS class is being taught by her actual preschool teacher. There will be kids in her class that will go to preschool with her. Get it? I think VBS is a good idea.

We have been talking about going for a while and she has been okay with the idea. Ambivalent, but fine. Tonight was different though. She is going tomorrow and this almost five year old knows that tomorrow means. It means soon. One big sleep and off we go.

"Will you come back for me?"

Is she trying to kill me?

She is Nervous with a capital N. There will be a lot of new faces and Aubrey isn't into new faces. There will be too many things she won't be familiar with and unfamiliar makes her quiet and, well, more quiet. Tonight she seemed so little and so sad and I was thinking, it's just VBS, right? Why does she have to go? Or go to preschool? Or school? Or spend the night or go to camp or visit Grandma and Grandpa without me or go to college???

I know from myself, and from her, that doing scary things, facing them, CONQUERING THEM, and getting through them is good for you. It builds confidence. It forces you to meet people and make friends. It paves the way for one day moving out and not having to live in your parents' basement until you're 45.

But, it's one thing for me to be nervous. I'm big enough to take it. I know how to find a way out of things. I look other adults in the eye. I can hop in my car and run away if I want to. But Aubrey? She is still getting coached on knowing her own address, isn't 3 1/2 feet tall, is afraid of most adults, and is being sent to VBS against her will. Somehow her nerves are scarier and way more... nervouser. (You know, since that's a word.)

Me? I'm praying she doesn't give me the brave face tomorrow. Huge eyes, not blinking so the tears won't fall, big false smile, flushed cheeks, high little voice, pretend bravado. It is 100 times worse than a meltdown and this mommy isn't sure she's up to the task.

Then again, if Aubrey can find the courage to tackle VBS than I can find the courage to not bawl my eyes out as she squares those little shoulders and marches into her class.

Parenting is not for wimps.